Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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