I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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