I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
