someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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