the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
