none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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