I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
