happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
