I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
