You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
