There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
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you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
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I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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