and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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