Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
