I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
