I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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