Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
