Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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