What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
