Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
