i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You can't just leave with hair like that
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
