I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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