fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
