life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize