I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
