how can u be prego again
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
