Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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