weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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