Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
