The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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