I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
