my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize