Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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