Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
