I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
