Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's great music for shaving your balls
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
