i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
