I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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