the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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