I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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