my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
