If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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