Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
