he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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