and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
