If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
