I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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