If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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