At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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