I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
