I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
