She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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