i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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