That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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