just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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